Sudden Fear

Last weekend was a big family affair. Friday was a Moon Festival Dinner with dad, Sat. with mom, Sun. with the extended family. Monday was a huge homemade Thanksgiving feast prepared by my sister in law, complete with turkey, stuffing, etc...the works.

This week I'm in the middle of arranging all the financial/legal stuff for the closing of the new house. House is closing on the 16th, and there's a lot of things left undone that I need to keep an eye on.

In the midst of all the running around, I had a panic attack. I envisioned myself a year ahead in law school. As some of you might remember, I got a generous scholarship to U. of Illnois and also a deferral for whenever I'm ready to go. That in itself is pretty sweet of them, but it occurred to me that this time next year, all I would be doing is studyng...and that scares the crap out of me.

No family responsibilities, no family reunions, no family at all in a hundred mile radius. ALL I'll be doing is law school. I have never had a period in time since high school in which I hadn't been in charge of some family matter, and the idea that for the next three years I could possibly be without it...makes me feel like a fish out of water.

Granted I realise maybe I'd still have to be in charge of it, and have to make arrangements remotely...which would be even harder...but the possibility of having nothing to worry about except myself is just so odd!

Maybe that's what retirement feels like. You really want it, but when it comes and you have nothing to do, it feels unnatural.